I AM JONAH.
“This displeased Jonah terribly and he became very angry. He prayed to the Lord and said, “Oh, Lord, this is just what I thought would happen when I was in my own country. This is what I tried to prevent by attempting to escape to Tarshish! – because I knew that you are gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in mercy, and one who relents concerning threatened judgment. So now, Lord, kill me instead, because I would rather die than live!” The Lord said, “Are you really so very angry?”
Jonah left the city and sat down east of it. He made a shelter for himself there and sat down under it in the shade to see what would happen to the city. The Lord God appointed a little plant and caused it to grow up over Jonah to be a shade over his head to rescue him from his misery. Now Jonah was very delighted about the little plant.
So God sent a worm at dawn the next day, and it attacked the little plant so that it dried up. When the sun began to shine, God sent a hot east wind. So the sun beat down on Jonah’s head, and he grew faint. So he despaired of life, and said, “I would rather die than live!” God said to Jonah, “Are you really so very angry about the little plant?” And he said, “I am as angry as I could possibly be!” The Lord said, “You were upset about this little plant, something for which you have not worked nor did you do anything to make it grow. It grew up overnight and died the next day.”
In 2003, I was fired from a church. I pastored a college ministry that I had grown up in as a student at Texas Tech and then found myself as a leader, teacher and disciple maker. My service and experience was profound for both myself and the students I trained. I wasn’t just their teacher in the faith, Bible study leader or minister…I was a fellow disciple, sharing life together with those I mentored. It was a beautiful time that lasted four years. I got married. I bought a house. Got a dog. Travelled. I even gained some weight I was so happy.
Then the church wanted to expand its facilities. I first saw the full model the architect left in our old church building. It was placed in the main hallway just inside the main doors. This small model became an inception of an idea that would soon eclipse all that the church was about. Finances were ordered and arranged. Tithing was preached. Offerings were collected. Pledge cards filled out. Then meetings were held. Belts were tightened. Fists were clenched. Foundations were laid. Walls were erected. Words were exchanged. The senior pastor entered into fisticuffs with the congregation and despite his theological education and persuasive speaking ability, the raw power of donation won the day. The budget shrank by the week as congregants refused to meet the debt. Thus, the Finance Committee needed to “trim some fat.” Did I mention I gained a little weight during these four years?
I remember the day so clearly. It was early November and I was in my office. The senior college pastor called me into his office, sat me down and stated, “I am afraid your time here at IABC is coming to an end. They have decided to dissolve your position.” The words penetrated my skull, but didn’t sound right. “What?! Why?” The church eventually fired everybody.
Pain, disbelief, confusion, sunken heart. Then anger, bitterness, rage. I wanted revenge. “I”LL SHOW THEM! I will never darken to door of a church again. This will never happen to me twice.” I wiped the dust off my feet, broke the news to my wife, cried and begged for mercy. I sold my house, left for good, didn’t look back. “Lubbock in my rearview mirror,” as the song goes.
We move back to Dallas and gave it a fresh start. I finished my ThM and asked new questions about church, theology and ministry. I wrote a thesis, invented a new ministry. Worked at one church, got frustrated, left. I served as a corporate chaplain for three years and loved it. Teaching and relating once again. Pastoring a non-church. I go to another church, seek ordination, get accepted then rejected. Get frustrated and leave. A man asked me, “Have you ever considered getting your PhD. You’d make a good professor.” Others affirm my teaching gift and have always encouraged it. Sounds logical. I was graduating soon and thought it brilliant since it will get me out of my dilemma of working in a church. I never even asked the “pastor” question.
We move again to Oklahoma to complete some post-graduate work in the history of science. Perhaps my theological work can be used and redeemed in this way. I didn’t attend church for nearly three years or more. I enjoy the freedom, the isolation, the time with my wife. The time is a sweet time. She had some quiet reservations and concerns about me. She noticed how I went into a tail spin every time I faced rejection. I struggled though with academics for academics sake. It seemed kind of boring and I always held that knowledge should be transformative. I did get to disciple a couple of guys at OU and looked forward to it so much. I also taught and cared about my students. Perhaps a new dynamic was needed…
I AM JONAH
I am getting tired. Running will do that to you. I have long struggled with my wishes to become a professor and my desires to be a pastor. My calling lies in “making disciples.” What this means for me is that I want to learn how to articulate Scriptural meaning and theology to a modern audience. I have decided to recommit myself.
The professor is a specialist, a student of one subject, a scientist whose interest is mainly in the truth in itself. The pastor is not a specialist, except in a broad way; he is a student of many subjects; he is a practical man whose interest is in the relation of truth to life or more exactly in the relation of life to life, the life of God to the life of people. The pastor is an ambassador with a commission, a herald with a message, a physician with a remedy for the ills of mankind. In addition to this, he is a servant of men, a companion, a counselor, a comforter, as men and women may need his services.
I have begun to struggle well. If I have learned anything from my academic pursuits…it is not necessarily about finding the right answers, but rather asking the right questions. Like Jonah, I have gotten angry and ran away though I did not cause any of the events back at that church. The Lord has providentially watched over me and almost despite my attitude and behavior, He has been gracious to me. I had to repent of my anger from being fired and let go of the hurt I was trying to escape. In my chaplain group, I recently watched a chapel sermon I presented and became frustrated that it seemed so boring and flat. I felt like I was someone screaming behind a glass wall. Another on the other side would barely hear a muffled sound. I think I have lost my way, suppressed my pastoral affections, silenced the disciple-maker…buried my gift, so to speak. I ran from God only to try and wear a mask of an academic. The large fish of despair has swallowed me and since then, I have cried out,
“I called out to the Lord from my distress,
and he answered me;
from the belly of Sheol I cried out for help,
and you heard my prayer.
You threw me into the deep waters,
into the middle of the sea;
the ocean current engulfed me;
all the mighty waves you sent swept over me.
I thought I had been banished from your sight,
that I would never again see your holy temple!
Water engulfed me up to my neck;
the deep ocean surrounded me;
seaweed was wrapped around my head.
I went down to the very bottoms of the mountains;
the gates of the netherworld barred me in forever;
but you brought me up from the Pit, O Lord, my God.
When my life was ebbing away, I called out to the Lord,
and my prayer came to your holy temple.
Those who worship worthless idols forfeit the mercy that could be theirs.
But as for me, I promise to offer a sacrifice to you with a public declaration of praise;
I will surely do what I have promised.
Salvation belongs to the Lord!”
I AM JONAH
So now, two fields of work converge on my life. The work of pastor and the work of professor. They are neither mutually exclusive nor opposed to one another. My affections for ministry carry me to desires to pastor.
“To know the word that sustains the weary.
Morning by morning He wakens me. He wakens my ear like one being taught.”
Pastoral work becomes my point of real service as the “field work” needed to do proper theology, to “incarnate” my spiritual beliefs and to learn what it means to be human. It is as Eugene Peterson says, “the lived quality of God’s revelation among and in us.” As a chaplain, I descided to refocus my efforts on why I entered into the profession: to care for those who suffer, and to integrate my theological learning with real life human experience.
My life in academia has been formative as well and will continue to be. I get to spend time with students from various backgrounds and interests. I learn to make my language broad and integrated so that it can speak to others. I strain to provide coherence and structure to what I do and make a longer term contribution.
I am no longer running. I want to rekindle the pastor, the disciple-maker in me that has been lost to time. I need to strengthen it, feed it, work it and develop it once more. This will only make my future desires to teach theology that much more robust and meaningful and authentic. My path as a chaplain and hopefully as a future pastor then professor will allow me to continue to explore my own calling as well as serve those under my care. Overall, trying to describe my process is a bit like painting a bird in flight while it is actually flying. The change is quite dynamic, I am always in flux, but it is directed and guided and heading somewhere for sure.
