Controlling Our Love?

“Jesus knew that his time had come to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love (he loved them to the last).” – Jn. 13:1

“The Heart that hurts is the heart that beats.” – Bono, lead singer of U2


It seems odd in a world that is seemingly out of control that the one thing that remains in tight control is the virtue of love. Love for God, love for neighbor and so on, are kept in their proper place and find expression only at the right time for the right reasons. They are safely guarded and fiercely defended from all encroachments. Therefore, I find within myself a struggle to be free. But this freedom is not the kind of freedom where I simply desire to do whatever I want. The struggle within is the struggle to care. All around me are people that strive for security, keeping their jobs, having too much food, and taking vacations. These things are not bad or evil at all! However, it is the arrogance and selfishness that is displayed as I witness some individuals promise themselves more than they should. They constantly make assumptions about the way life should be (never mind that they have violated it many times over and are miserable!). My wife and I choose the life we have on purpose because our heart beats, and thus hurts, for things that are uncommon in this world. We honor the plight of orphans, we want to travel the world God made, I seek to gain a greater understanding of science, religion, and culture, I am curious about working for peace through understanding, etc. Our lines are drawn differently. God’s Spirit has shaped us uniquely, and thus our time tables will not match those in American suburbia. There is simply more to life than having a 3-2-2 with a couple sedans, and a baby before your 30.
My current struggle is one in which I am trying to throw off these restraints made by the world around me to contain and control my love, my drives, and my desires…to settle down as it were. Most in this situation are seemingly trapped by fear. It’s not that I am brave, but rather that I want to be brave. And the virtues I maintain are not necessarily in opposition to those around me, it’s just the application of those virtues that causes the trouble. I’m not irrational, headstrong, risky, nor fearless. It’s just that things bother me or tug on me that are more than just suburbia creature comforts. Many have told me, in essence, to control my love, calm down, contain it, and just focus on what everyone else is doing to build a life like everyone else. Let it be said, I am not as devoted as I should be, not as prepared as I would like, and not as consistent for what is required. Now as always, I am a man in process. May God have mercy upon my soul.

“There are always those who take it upon themselves to defend God, as if the Sovereign Ruler, Creator, and sustaining power behind all that exists, were something weak and helpless. These people walk by a widow deformed by leprosy begging for a few pennies, walk by children dressed in rags living in the street, and they think, ‘Business as usual.’ But if they perceive a slight against God, it is a different story. Their faces go red, their chests heave mightily, they sputter angry words. The degree of their indignation is astonishing. Their resolve is frightening.
These people fail to realize that it is on the inside that God must be defended, not on the outside. They should direct their anger at themselves. For evil in the open is but evil from within that has been let out. Jesus said, ‘It is not what goes into a man, but what comes out of him that makes him unclean. For out of the heart of man flow all sorts of wickedness…’ The main battlefield then for good is not the open ground of the public arena but the small clearing of each heart. Meanwhile, the lot of widows and homeless children is very hard, and it is to their defense, not God’s, that the self-righteous should rush.” – Yann Martel